What is it like to live with Obsessive Compulsive disorder?
You were having fun with your friends. You just remembered that incident that made you obsessive for couple of days. And suddenly all your happiness dropped. You forgot that you were hanging out with your friends. But you were not there. In you head, you were in the middle of that incident. You were not listening what you friends were talking about or laughing about. You were somewhere else that you wish not to be.
You don’t know when it will come. When it comes, it feels like something is eating your brain. This one negative thought is blocking all your thoughts. You just cannot get over with it. This obsessive compulsion hits hard. You are trying hard to forget about it. The funny thing is the harder you try the harder it stays in your brain. It feels like you are in the middle of battle where you don’t know the enemy. It does not have any face. The faceless enemy!
All day long you are anxious about it. And you are tired of thinking. You know the whole thought is a baloney, nothing else! It’s nothing. You know you should not think about it. You should not have in the first place. But it somehow makes itself a top level executive position in your brain. And even you cannot do anything against it. It influences every single decision of yours. Maybe that is why it’s called disorder.
You are playing funny YouTube videos and you are laughing. But again it comes and it forces you to stop everything. Sometimes it feels like it is jealous of other things. It’s like a jealous wife/ husband that you can’t divorce. And one day something extraordinary happens and you forgets about it. By something extraordinary I meant another intrusive obsessive fresh thought.
How it affects your restarts
One of the cruelest part of it is that it won’t give you chance to restart your life. Suppose, you thought about doing something properly. You wanted to regain your life. You wanted to control your life. So fresh start was much needed. You walked every morning while avoiding junk foods. You were just fine. You were feeling fresh. You started to feel that everything has been great so far. Then it came. Now it was something that made you not to move from bed. You are depressed because of this obsessive thought. Whenever you are doing something, it will come and give you the reminder that everything will be going wrong because of that particular event that you are worrying about. And you stop. It ruins your motivation, your sprite to do something. You go back to your old miserable life where you wish you never born again, where you are consistently in pain.
And one of many usual part is very few people understand how you go through. For many people, it seems absurd to think about stuffs like that. They may laugh after hearing from you if you ever tell them. Normally you do not talk about these things. It just stays in your head like a talkative monster.